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You might want your partner to have sex with you more often.  You might want more effort.  Or more affection.  Or something more adventurous.  It can be frustrating not getting what you want in any part of life.  It can be particularly frustrating knowing that someone else is preventing you from having it.

So how do you get what you want? You could ask for it.  Or you could complain.  What do you think will work?  It is natural for a lot of people to the think that complaining will lead to a positive response.  You tell someone what you are missing, and maybe they will give it to you.

The problem is that in order to have sex and enjoy it, “the mood” is pretty important.  What mood are you in after your partner complains to you about not picking up your laundry, or not doing the dishes, or coming home too late?  Are you more attracted to them when they’re complaining – or when they’re not complaining?

People often complain about sex because they believe that if they tell their partner in a positive way that they want something, they will be told no or be rejected in some way.  But many other times, the complaint is just reflexive or impulsive, or they don’t have experience or the skills necessary to communicate their wants and needs in productive ways.  But this doesn’t mean that you should complain.  All it will do is ruin the mood, make your partner feel inadequate (and unsexy), and create tension that will only make it harder to turn them on.  So ask.  Don’t complain.  And if you need help learning how to ask – I know this guy who can help you.